Being Dad the book – almost finished!

I love this published author deal.  

These are wonderfully creative people, and I am feeling like a rock star.

Ive got 289 pages of my own words to review and triple check before print.  NERVOUS!

This is the cover

Download now or preview on posterous

BeingDad-Cover&Spine-Final-CMYK_2.pdf (721 KB)

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Best kept secret in Sydney

Got to the gym this afternoon after work… And just like usual, had the entire gym, 25m indoor pool and sauna to myself.

Want to find out where and why… Let me know!

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from troy jones – adventures at the edge

OK, you try and take a good photo of these 2 clowns.

See and download the full gallery on posterous

Posted via email from troy jones – adventures at the edge

Business things Ive learned from my 4 year old daughter

Yesterday, I took Matilda to the Sydney Easter Show. If you’re not familiar with it, its a huge fair – Ferris Wheels, Dodgem Cars, Fireworks, waterslides, fairy floss – the lot.

We did everything, spent far too much money in the process – and I was completely confident it would be one of her greatest days ever.

And it was. But in the car on the way home, Matilda confided in me that she was disappointed. Despite all the awesome things we had done, she was upset that there was no Stage Show performance with Easter Bunnies dancing on stage.

In her mind, thats what she expected, and thats what she was looking forward to.

I thought about it, and she was right. I never explained to her what the Easter Show was. I think she had every right to assume that the Easter Show, was an Easter show, starring the Easter Bunny.

On reflection, in business, I learned that its vital to set the expectations of your clients – of what is possible, what they should expect, explain what you think SUCCESS will look like.

Get your clients expectations out on the table – so that you can make sure everyone is working towards the same image.

Otherwise, unless you are totally lucky, and Easter Bunnies do come dancing on the stage – no matter what you do, you may miss the mark, and someone else could get the chocolates.

Posted via email from troy jones – adventures at the edge

Wayne Rooney vs Troy Jones

 

So Im in England for 2 weeks working with our PR girls and distributor to get some interest happening in the Being Dad UK launch.  Its hard work because no one has heard of us, the world is celebrity crazy, and we’re a nice little project that doesn’t have any hard edged news or celebrities in it.

 

Dont get me wrong, we go along OK, but to get some real coverage, I have to be clever.  Once we do get on the national media, and the DVD is in store – you can start to make some money.

Which everyone, everyone, everyone needs.  (Courtesy Dr Seuss)

So this morning… we were blessed with some gold.  Wayne Rooney, soccer idol and England super hero had a press conference, the main thing to come out of which, is that in the first 2 weeks of his sons life, he is yet to change a nappy.

Bingo!

Press Release goes out – Someone send Wayne Rooney a Being Dad DVD.

National Current Affairs show rings up, wants the comedian (which I guess is me – I was pretty pleased with that, by the way) to give some nappy changing tips in a clip for Wayne Rooney, to be aired on tonights show.

Problem number 1, we dont have any babies here.

Problem number 2, well actually, #1 was a good enough problem.

So we searched and searched for a baby, eventually getting the baby of a mates’ mates mate to come to London.  She gets in the car, drives with said baby, 2 hours to my hotel room.

They get there an hour after the crew arrives, and the crew are almost out of time.

“No worries” says comedian Troy, we’ll just do it quick.  Oh dear.

I had my hilarious anti-Wayne-Rooney lines down cold and it would be no problem.

Then I see “the baby” is not “a baby”, the baby is a flu riddled, sleepy 1 year old.  That age is a problem because (a) he can roll over and walk away (b) he is old enough to not like strangers.

Knowing time is seriously slipping away, I go for my patented “Humpty Dumpty” game which is a 100% dead cert to make friends with a kid.

Turns out it is not a 100% dead cert. Its a massive freakin’ risk, that is now a 99% dead cert.  Problem is, if you are like this kid, and you are the 1% remainder – the “humpty dumpty” game is a frightening horrifying form of torture, and the bloke that did it to you should never again be trusted.

And so it was.

Lights on, camera on, 1 year old is still sobbing from the “humpty dumpty” game, and I, heart in mouth, start my 30 second spiel (that was the time limit) about changing nappies – and the kid DOES NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.  Screaming, rolling around, walking away… totally inconsolable.  He wouldn’t even sit on the change table.

Camera crew start to look like “F#$K this”, and I know Im in trouble.

They start again and say, OK, we’ve really got to go.

Phone call to the producer, and she clearly says, “we’ll just have to go without it.”

But I dont want that.  I want national coverage, and this kid will, nay, MUST bow to my will.  I say – “one more try”.

They say OK.  I mean, its in there interests to get it in the can.  They all want to get this done.

He settles down a bit and I go for it.  Get my first two lines out perfectly, and I dare to dream for one glimmering second that it all might work out.

Nappy off, all good.   Then I know I’m screwed.  He starts to wriggle and wants to get off the change table. I firmly hold him in place and keep talking to the camera, reporter and baby.  I’m half way through.   The reporter is politely nodding and smiling (in-shot) and then the baby starts seriously screaming and wriggling and I’m in big trouble.

In front of a national TV crew, and with a screaming baby, I notice the wipes have fallen on the floor, so I pretend to do a wipe, I whip the nappy half on, half horribly dangling and detached, do up one velcro strap, stand the baby up and say “I have no idea why Wayne Rooney wouldn’t want to do this… this is AWESOME FUN!

The reporter doubles over in laughter, camera guy doubles over laughing – even the babies mum was laughing.

Im thinking – what a save… This might even work better!

But then, as time seeps past I’m starting to think…. I really dont want them to play this on air.  Our film is about being a great dad, and that was clearly the worst display of daddying of all time, on national TV.

They say “any publicity is good publicity” – and I think Im about to find out if they’re right or not.

TJ.

Out.

Who the hell eats coal? And what does it taste like? And where do i get it?

For some strange reason, Stacey started talking about eating coal this morning.  Who the hell eats coal?  And even if there was such a nut out there that eats coal – which coal eating freak would HANG OUT for some coal?  Has she ever eaten coal before to know what it tastes like?

These and many other great questions did not leave my mouth, although they were begging to be asked.  I guess its a bit like the first guy that discovered you could milk a cow.  What the hell was he trying to do?  Lets all not think about it and move on. 

I googled cravings and read some pretty weird things.  I asked the lads to find out if their collective missus’ had any such experiences, and it turns out yes. and no.  and some really yes.  Some had absolutely no cravings.

One American mate of mine said his wife loved the SMELL of rubber bands, and he was forever buying new packs of rubber bands so she could open them and inhale their rubbery musk.  Wow.   Cameo from the beautiful Stacey as well.  This is going great.  And learning at the same time…. OK – Im a nerd.

Check this out.

The biggest shock of my life and what Im going to do about it

“Here’s what I’m going to do”

I always thought it would be like “Family Ties”; People jumping up and down in slow-mo with theme music in the background.

We were sitting in our great one bedroom apartment, on the third floor with no car park and no elevator, each of those things of no consequence to me at the time. The world seemed happy and under control. Theme music stuff!

“We need to talk…” Whoa. OK. That is definitely THE way to get a bloke’s attention.

“I’m pregnant…”

Like most of my gender, I’m only capable of doing one thing at once and my mind was busy racing, so the rest of me went into standby mode.

Even at the time, I knew it was great news, but regardless, my reaction was more of a stunned mullet than any inspirational TV moment. And worse, I was aware that time slipped by at an unfair speed.

A “that’s awesome”, leaked out, with all the conviction of an eleventh hour election promise.

That’s when I figured out my plan.

And thats when it all began.

The minute we found out we were going to be dads

“Now the real test is if I piss on the stick!”

Not many moments define the modern man like becoming a father.  Most guys describe it as one of the best things they have ever done in their lives.  It must be one hell of a journey, because most blokes start out having absolutely no idea what to say, do, how to react or think when they get the news sprung.

I LOVE this!

Why I’m doing this? For all the pregnant ladies of the world. (apologies to flight of the conchords)

Along with the film that I’m making I’m loading this blog with all sorts of secrets, tips and lists to help your wife understand you, and info for you to help us all be better dads.

Lets start with the disclaimers… This is NOT a substitute for a parenting class or a normal pregnancy book but it is a great companion to help you make sense of the man that you care about the most.  As I’ve been travelling around on my pregnancy odyssey I’ve interviewed dads from all over the world, in my own little self awareness project aiming at uncovering one of the great mysteries of the world – the pregnant male mind.

Generally so far, I have found that the great secret of what is going through the male mind can be answered with one word. Nothing.  Seriously.  Not much at all.

On a conscious level, not much goes on in there from one minute to the next.  In such a complicated, fast paced and info rich world, please understand what a refined and powerful skill it is to keep the male mind empty.  Great effort and enormous leaps of faith and logic are required to do that, and we pride ourselves on it.

And its not easy. To say it is empty is not to say that it is not complicated.   Including myself, it seems the average man has all sorts of refined and well-honed tricks to keep that cognitive space straightforward and able to concentrate on the football.

Now that I have recognised it, I can see it everywhere.  It usually manifests itself in the form of “I’ll think about it when…” or “I’ll think about it if…”.  We like to call it denial, and even compared to the most imaginative lady, us men are the undisputed Kings.

Pregnancy and Birth is one of most complicated, surreal and long-term-life-changing concepts for men to understand.  After surveying and interviewing a few groups of men, the number one emotion that is felt, immediately upon the birth of their first child is… wait for it…. surprise. SURPRISE!

SURPRISE?  Lets think about that for a sec.

Despite 9 months of pregnancy, pregnancy tests, morning sickness, hormones, baby showers, baby kicking, ultrasounds, birth classes, books and everything that goes with it – he is still surprised that a baby has been born.  Such is the power of the male mind at keeping nebulous concepts at bay, shock and surprise is the first emotion.

It does go some way to illustrate how pregnancy and birth gets such great attention from the subconscious male mind to make sure everything stays firmly under control.  And that is why we are geniuses.  Ladies… stay with me here.

Your man will subconsciously try very hard to mentally concentrate on the status quo, even if only in the totally fictional world in his mind, and only because the life he’s about to walk into is a total mystery to him.  You, my female friends, along with this blog, can help him, you and me start to shine a thin beam of a torchlight into the darkness of that future mystery world – like one of the best X-file TV episodes.

Now ladies, all of this might sound like we don’t want to know what’s happening.  That we’re reluctant about having a baby.  That we are the stereotypical male sitting out in the waiting room or the pub across the road whilst you get on with the challenges of procreation.

Not true.  We desperately want to be involved.  Be good dads, and help you along the path.  Its just no-one tells us what we are in for, we don’t read, and very few self respecting males talk about pregnancy with their mates until after the birth, and even then its with those who also have already been through it.

And to give us lads credit… Who knows what could happen if we actually let ourselves stop and think about something.

This is going to sound very conceited, but hell, I’m conceited.  I’ve unravelled a mystery.  I’m here to help you to help him by understanding how to work with the void, how to penetrate it, when to reap the benefits of keeping it empty and when to get through to the real thoughts, fears and hopes that are actively, subconsciously being held at bay.  Sorry lads – the party is over.

Think of this blog as your roadmap to understanding your bloke’s mind. It will enable you to get from conception to parenthood and beyond with your relationship and sanity in one piece.

Even better, I think a better understanding of each other through pregnancy and birth will bring you much closer as a couple.  There’s not much more honest, real and binding than having a baby, and I think its something that can be enjoyed, rather than feared.

Hey, I’m here to help.  And as an added bonus, it stops me thinking about the things that I should be thinking about… so its win win.  On with the show!

The fake pregnancy belly challenge – 3 hours in London

Before I was allowed to head around the UK and Ireland, my missus, the beautiful and talented (and pregnant….) Stacey insisted I understand what it felt like.  The challenge, for 1 week of home cooked meals by the loser, was to walk around London, Being Dad UK film crew in tow, for 3 hours wearing a pregnancy empathy belly.

This was no ordinary empathy belly either.  It had been suped up and weighed almost 40 pounds.

Challenge accepted.  Then denied.  Then accepted again after some taunts about my masculinity.

Masculinity in tact, I put on a pregnancy belly, touched up the boobs a bit, put on a dress and hit the town.

Eek.  Hope a week away with the lads is worth this.