So Im in England for 2 weeks working with our PR girls and distributor to get some interest happening in the Being Dad UK launch. Its hard work because no one has heard of us, the world is celebrity crazy, and we’re a nice little project that doesn’t have any hard edged news or celebrities in it.
Dont get me wrong, we go along OK, but to get some real coverage, I have to be clever. Once we do get on the national media, and the DVD is in store – you can start to make some money.
Which everyone, everyone, everyone needs. (Courtesy Dr Seuss)
So this morning… we were blessed with some gold. Wayne Rooney, soccer idol and England super hero had a press conference, the main thing to come out of which, is that in the first 2 weeks of his sons life, he is yet to change a nappy.
Bingo!
Press Release goes out – Someone send Wayne Rooney a Being Dad DVD.
National Current Affairs show rings up, wants the comedian (which I guess is me – I was pretty pleased with that, by the way) to give some nappy changing tips in a clip for Wayne Rooney, to be aired on tonights show.
Problem number 1, we dont have any babies here.
Problem number 2, well actually, #1 was a good enough problem.
So we searched and searched for a baby, eventually getting the baby of a mates’ mates mate to come to London. She gets in the car, drives with said baby, 2 hours to my hotel room.
They get there an hour after the crew arrives, and the crew are almost out of time.
“No worries” says comedian Troy, we’ll just do it quick. Oh dear.
I had my hilarious anti-Wayne-Rooney lines down cold and it would be no problem.
Then I see “the baby” is not “a baby”, the baby is a flu riddled, sleepy 1 year old. That age is a problem because (a) he can roll over and walk away (b) he is old enough to not like strangers.
Knowing time is seriously slipping away, I go for my patented “Humpty Dumpty” game which is a 100% dead cert to make friends with a kid.
Turns out it is not a 100% dead cert. Its a massive freakin’ risk, that is now a 99% dead cert. Problem is, if you are like this kid, and you are the 1% remainder – the “humpty dumpty” game is a frightening horrifying form of torture, and the bloke that did it to you should never again be trusted.
And so it was.
Lights on, camera on, 1 year old is still sobbing from the “humpty dumpty” game, and I, heart in mouth, start my 30 second spiel (that was the time limit) about changing nappies – and the kid DOES NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Screaming, rolling around, walking away… totally inconsolable. He wouldn’t even sit on the change table.
Camera crew start to look like “F#$K this”, and I know Im in trouble.
They start again and say, OK, we’ve really got to go.
Phone call to the producer, and she clearly says, “we’ll just have to go without it.”
But I dont want that. I want national coverage, and this kid will, nay, MUST bow to my will. I say – “one more try”.
They say OK. I mean, its in there interests to get it in the can. They all want to get this done.
He settles down a bit and I go for it. Get my first two lines out perfectly, and I dare to dream for one glimmering second that it all might work out.
Nappy off, all good. Then I know I’m screwed. He starts to wriggle and wants to get off the change table. I firmly hold him in place and keep talking to the camera, reporter and baby. I’m half way through. The reporter is politely nodding and smiling (in-shot) and then the baby starts seriously screaming and wriggling and I’m in big trouble.
In front of a national TV crew, and with a screaming baby, I notice the wipes have fallen on the floor, so I pretend to do a wipe, I whip the nappy half on, half horribly dangling and detached, do up one velcro strap, stand the baby up and say “I have no idea why Wayne Rooney wouldn’t want to do this… this is AWESOME FUN!
The reporter doubles over in laughter, camera guy doubles over laughing – even the babies mum was laughing.
Im thinking – what a save… This might even work better!
But then, as time seeps past I’m starting to think…. I really dont want them to play this on air. Our film is about being a great dad, and that was clearly the worst display of daddying of all time, on national TV.
They say “any publicity is good publicity” – and I think Im about to find out if they’re right or not.
TJ.
Out.
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